In the moment...

Hello friends! I have had a busy month since finishing my Radiation. All of my days, thus far, have been filled with Happiness. After dealing with all that ugliness this winter, I just wanted to runaway from it, and enjoy the beauty I so longed for in those darker days. 

Radiation went well. I was scared going into it. Again, it was like walking into a dark room, not knowing what was to become of you.(right from a horror flick) haha... I had no idea what was to happen.. My first day, I felt very nervous. The anxiety that came over me was crazy. You see, for me, because my CANCER was on my left breast I had to hold my breath for 20 seconds every time they radiated. Ya, I know... try holding your breath for 20 seconds..GO!!!!!!!! Just a lot to think about... I just had to do it correctly for I was afraid my organs would be damaged..I will find out on June 9, 2014 my progress, and how my body is healing. I feel fantastic, so I'm hoping good new! 

This was my bed. The first day of Radiation took about an hour. Measurements and such. In that hour, I think i contemplated running out of their 100 times.  It was like my legs had their own mind..( lets get the fuck out of here) Believe it or not, I stayed and trooped it out...As the days went by, it got easier. It was nice most days because I got to see my lady Radiologists, who were so amazing..They made every appointment comfortable. Hard to believe that the Tom Baker has been my JOB these past few months.

Two of the 4 amazing ladies that I got the bitter-sweet privilege in meeting.. I can say that being in the CANCER world you are very well taken care of. Sometimes the Docs don't say much, which sucks, but all in all the care you receive is amazing..

Their are many volunteers that come in everyday to play piano. This gentleman was one of my favourite. He would play Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, to a simple favorite of mine.. "Somewhere over the Rainbow!" It was a place to reflect, and be grateful I had today.. It allowed me to be!!

Here is the ribbon stand! Once you successfully finish Radiation you get to ring the bell, tie a ribbon, honouring what you have accomplished. I thought it would be comforting to pay tribute to, a special someone, my daddy, who lost his battle to Cancer. He was one of the most amazing spirits and I miss him everyday. His ribbon is the light blue one..The purple is for one who is still fighting, Mrs. Tonya Nixon. I love you and think of you everyday. I sent it out to the Universe that you will be a happy, beautiful source of energy that will surge through us when times seem difficult. You will help us rise above, and give us our smile when sadness tries to defeat us.Forever loved.... To all the ladies that stood beside me, who have battle Breast Cancer, Thank you for all your support and love. Without you ladies, Ang, Debbie, Cindy, Kristi, Maria, Tina, things would have been so much scarier. I have found friends in all of you, and couldn't be more proud to know we have each others hearts. When days get tough, I think we all know we can count on each other to help pick us up, even when we don't want to look up. much love.....

Through this QUEST I have learnt things about me. I have tapped into my inner self and realised i was not living my authentic self.. Fear creates a barrier, and unless you go right through it, you will never get to the next step.. A dear loving person told me, "there will be many forks and all will lead to something wonderful and unexpected."  Hearing that, amongst many other beautiful words spoken, I knew that JULIE wasn't going to hide anymore..We are faced with fear everyday, it's how we conquer the fear itself that will define us and make us better human beings. My life as I know it, is blessed. I am grateful for all that I have, and all that I WILL accomplish. My truth is my story, and man, I have an amazing one to tell. I'm excited for tomorrow, and live everyday just a little different. We all change and evolve as people. Getting the chance to live my BEST life excites me. It gives me hope...

  

Much love,

Jules xo

Giggle pic of the day!

To those of you who know me, I'm one who likes to play pranks. I also like to share pics that bring me to the ugly laugh when days get sad. Yes, I can admit, I use my family from time to time, but only in good fun.

This pic was taken the day Jody Shaved my head. It was a day of tears, so Mayson thought she would beautify her Auntie Jods..Man did she do good!!!!

Jody, you always know how to grab all the attention..lmao..You show stopper you!!

I'm crying...in laughter....


Happy Easter to all!!

Last Chemo and off to the second phase...

It has been a few weeks since writing. Sorry for the hold up friends, I just felt I needed to wrap my head around what I have gone through thus far. I had my last treatment Feb 19, 2014!! I was nervous the whole time. I played mind games with myself and actually thought the nurses were going to tell me I had to do more chemo. Like I said in previous posts, the strengths you have to find within can be challenging. You test your inner self many times..
The nurses at the Tom Baker were wonderful and rushed over to me, with big smiles, to let me know today is the day I get to ring the bell! I got a bit giddy knowing I finally did it. I, Julie Keith, got through 6 treatments of chemo and this phase of my QUEST was over! I was so humbled and grateful to all the nurses that made my stay comfortable and reassuring. The nurses and volunteers made all those treatments just a little less scary. Their beautiful spirits made all the difference in the world. Thank you.

You all can  imagine which bell I chose! I was so excited, and I knew once I got my hand on that bell, I would ring it load and clear. As I was sitting in the bed, I would look around me at all the people in that room waiting to ring that bell. I thought for a moment, life is bitter-sweet. One day we are running through life as though their isn't enough hours in the day. Then one day.. time stands still. As I went into this knowing nothing I came out learning " about time." Time wasn't rushed anymore, and the time I had that day was precious.
 Looking at all the faces who have laughed load, they too took time to listen, learn, reflect and forgive. We shared something that none of us talked directly about, but we all felt it. I (we) learnt that days mattered and taking the time meant another beautiful day. I learnt that through the hardest times in life we still smile. We do as much as we can everyday to just feel grateful. to feel alive.. to feel free...

 Love to all my warrior friends who continue to stand tall and fight. xo

As I sit waiting to ring that bell, I was so blessed to have two, of some, of the best people I know with me. Mrs. Jody, and Mrs. Siobhan came up for the day to celebrate this moment. I think we cried a few times, for I learnt through all of this, that this has been very difficult on my family and friends. It has brought meaning to us all, and that is, take the time cause that's all we have..Cherish each moment and live each day!

Here it is!! The moment I was waiting for. As I rang that bell all I heard around me were staff and patients clapping for me. It was a moment that still brings tears to my eyes. As I sit back on my chair, looking at this picture,  I see an awakening soul..

Here is the three of us ringing in " FUCK YOU CANCER!" It was extremely emotional at this point. Having these two with me riding this QUEST has made some really hard times seem less hard. Thank you for standing tall and reminding me - all you need is love, love...love is all you need...

My sweetest gift..Thank you for being my strength.  I know it has been extremely difficult for you to see me in all sorts of emotions. Through all that, my sis, you helped me stay strong and healthy. You gave me the strength when I needed it. You reminded me of memories that made me laugh so hard, that I think I laughed all the cancer out.

Well, finally a bald head shines your way. It took about 40 shots to get this picture.lol.. This picture was taken shortly after Jody shaved my head.. Since then, the rest of the hair fell out, and eyebrows followed after. It has been a transition looking at myself in the mirror but as the days go by, I accept the change, but I definitely have hair envy. I'm sure i'll post another head shot soon, or probably just go out once my hair grows to this length again. Wigs drive me crazy!! In the meantime, if you want to visualize me bald, with no eyebrows or make up.....Think Uncle Fester! lmao....

Now on to phase 2........

Treatment 5! Oh, baby..Getting close...

After the shit show that happened last week I was so afraid my Chemo was going to be on hold. I was not going to let some blood loss take me off course and fuck up my QUEST!! I truly believe that having my family and friends helping was the key to me getting better. I ate right, and stayed off my feet as much as I could. Shiv would send me to bed once in a while telling me " you really don't know how to relax." So I took orders from her and went to bed. Didn't sleep, just read some books and lived in my thoughts. Good thoughts that needed to be addressed. Also took some time to draw on my Buddha Board. Love this little piece of heaven I bought..

It's so calming when I just get to draw and write anything on this board. The best part is whatever you do it disappears quickly so whatever thoughts you have are your own.

Monday, Jan 27th I went for my Doc appointment. Had more blood drawn. I was nervous and anxious to find out some much needed info. When  I got in the room, I had a Gyno/Oncologist come in. She was so wonderful and informed me of what might have happened last week and gave me some pills if this happens again. She said it might, and I may need a top up of blood these next two rounds, but you never know. Then my Oncologist came in explaining why he requested another doctor. You see, they don't have all the answers either. He knew this beautiful doc would give me a better idea of what was going on down there!! Women to Women who understand the beauty parts! ha.

Then the next question, can I get my Chemo? The answer, " yes you can Julie, your HGB counts are at 90. Still not high, but high enough for Chemo!" Yes, I was supper pumped. Still riding the  QUEST. A to Z with a few bumps in the road, but I have a plan and I'm not letting anything fuck it up!

I came home and was so excited. I know, funny how one gets excited to get the worst shit shot up with chemo. It makes you fat, sick, tired, anxious. It gives you tones of anxiety and it's just rotten, but to keep this ugly bitch out of my body this is the only way. BRING IT.  I got you!!! Oh, and bummed.. Forgot to ask about my GREEN CARD.. Top on the list to ask Doc.. Very soon!

Came home and saw a big package on my door step..Hmmmm, who is this from. Aw, it's from my beautiful friends Jaime. I was so excited to open it up. Here is what was in it!

Jaime added a few throwbacks too. I remember this day like yesterday. What great memories and great friend. All you beautiful women are in my life today helping me fight and keeping me strong. I want to recreate this pic!



I was so teary eyed when opening this gift. Unexpected. My sis Lori was beside me crying to. I have been so lucky to have such amazing people help me out and brighten my spirits. Jaime, you have been in my life for so many years and I couldn't be more proud then to call you friend. This package came at the perfect time. That Sehpora card will come in handy in buying myself eyelashes. Yes, everyone...Eyebrows and Eyelashes are almost gone.. It's so weird seeing yourself without them. I still have a few.. but........lol..

Jamers, You're the definition of friendship, kindness, respect, love and family. I love you so much and can't wait to plan our trip to Europe.. You my girl and always will be. Thank you friend for all your love and support!

Wed, Jan 29th had my 5th Chemo! I was so excited, cause I got to bring my Cuz Tina. Tina and I were very close. She is my cousin from my dads side. We hadn't seen each other for 15 years or more and couldn't find each other on FB. WE were reunited by our cousin, Darlene that happened to be friends with my momma on FB. She read my blog and befriended me and we started talking. Wow, I learnt a lot that day and one being My cousin Tina had Breast Cancer in 2011. I immediately got in contact with her and ever since then we haven't stopped chatting. Love her.

I was so honoured to bring her. She and I have so many memories from the past, when we were just so very young. I can't express enough how amazing it felt to have her with me. It's like we didn't even miss 15+ years of our life. We are definitely Gowings. We speak our mind and we do it loudly. Haha. We have shared so much and have lost in our lives. I lost dad and she lost her mom and dad. It was therapeutic to share our losses together. She got to hear all my silly stories and I got to hear hers. We both love wine and are looking forward in planning a camping trip with our families. It's only complete if Jods is there too, so go buy a camper Jods!!

Round 5 was interesting. I had a reaction to the drug. My lower back started hurting and it then moved into my hips and thighs. So immediately they stopped drug and gave me Benadryl. The pain went away, but I was afraid they wouldn't continue with the drug. Having  Nurse with me (Tina) only reassured me that they will continue once the Benadryl kicked in.. Tina was right! I finished treatment number 5! Woohoo!!!!

Well all...I have 1 more treatment to go and then I'm done! I have taken all I've gone through and have been reminded by the humanity and love we all have within ourselves. I have been reminded to not be afraid of the small things. I have been reminded to take nothing for granted. I have learned strengths I thought I never had. I learned how to love deeper and lastly, I learned from all of you.



My lovely Jods sent me these flowers. Always thinking of me..I just love you Jods..You're my everything. You make me so happy and when I'm supper sad ,fuck you can make me laugh.xo







Here are a few quotes I love and live by. I may get down, but I work my ass off to get back up and fight. I stand tall,  I surrender to some things ( for now) and I believe. I will not allow this to define me. I will not let CANCER win! You may push me around sometimes but I got you. I will always have you by the balls and squish you. They call me a boss ass bitch!!!haha..(right kenz)

I win!

I'm doing well friends. With all I've gone through I will not let me down. I will still cry and question, but I will never let Julie go. She is what makes me laugh and she is who keeps me real. She will stay!

Understanding the truth...and believing in tomorrow...

January 8, 2014 I did my 4th treatment. I was expecting a different reaction to the new chemo. I heard it was different for everyone, so I thought whatever comes with this one, I can handle it! I did well with the last 3. Just thought, keep the focus and don't fall victim to what you can't control. Surrender to it and kick its ass.

Brought Tim to Chemo number 4.

 

 

My face has retained some water, and my belly will not allow me to stop eating..What?? lol

The first couple of days I felt fine, on the 3rd day I started to have pain in my legs. I was informed by my Nurse and Oncologist that this can be one of the side effects of this chemo. As the day went on the pain in my muscles started to intensify then it would start to hurt my bones. I tried so hard to stretch the pain out, but was unsuccessful. I had my daughter message my legs many times that evening and in the days following.. Nice hot baths would work too, I had many!!

My day 3,4,5 were brutal. Walking was even difficult. Advil would subside the pain, so I could rest in the evenings. I started noticing my energy level going down. The fatigue I started feeling was all so new to me. In prior treatments I didn't have to many side effects. Yes, I was a bit tired and my day 3,4,5 were emotional and filled with anxiety but after those days I felt I could function and think on a human level.

My day 6 on the last chemo to this chemo was the same. Loved my day 6!!!! I was back to feeling normal and ready for the next round. Waiting 3 weeks for every round is hard, because you just want it over and done with. I want so badly to start phase 2 of my QUEST!

As the days moved on I felt more fatigued. I thought to myself, " I don't remember feeling this tired." Maybe it's because I have more meds in me and I also have my period. I have my period almost every time I go in. Then I thought, "Kind of unusual to have a period for all these days." I just went on with the days, but I found myself crying and getting depressed. I just didn't feel so well.

On my day 9 I was not feeling myself at all. I was extremely emotional again. You see I thought I had my days pinned. Days 3,4,5 is when my older sister, Lori, contacts me to see how I am. It's like clock work. She knows those are my bad days. I always call my mom on one of those days bawling. Why the fuck am I feeling so terrible on day 9? I was talking to my sister Jods at the time(attempting to finish my workout) when all of a sudden I felt out of breath, anxiety, stress, depression....defeated.....I felt defeated!

I went to the washroom, still talking to Jody and gasped. Instantly, she asked, " Jules, are you Ok?" I then said, " I don't know, I just passed a huge clot as big as my fist?!"( to all the people who are reading after this paragraph, It may get graphic. Thought I'd give you all a head up -cheers)

In total I think I passed 30 fist size clots in 2 days. I phoned my nurse and she had said it's normal.  I actually talked to 2 nurses and if I wasn't filling a pad, then not to be to alarmed. Hmmm, really? I just had 30 livers come out of me and I'm not to be alarmed.. OK????

In the days to follow I continued to bleed. I had less clots, but never stopped bleeding. The blood wasn't filling a pad, so I thought this must be a sign of early Menopause that they say I may start while going through chemo. So I never called my nurse. I just left what was happening to my body as mother nature calling, or a chemo thing?!

On Jan, 23rd I got my sister Lori at 11:40pm to come pick me up, and take me to Emergency. I was shaking so bad and felt my body was slowly shutting down. I knew my body was telling me something.

The girls watched may that night, and I was off to the hospital. Once there they rushed me in and put me in isolation. Cancer patients have to stay away from the public, for if immune system is low then we can catch infections very quickly..

Doc, Nurses and a lot of blood was taken. Results were in and White blood counts were good, but my HGB were as low as 55 and normal is 120-160.. I gasped, and was so thankful for my girls. They pushed me to come into Emergency. If I had waited another day things could have been way worse.. Love my girlies.. That morning I had a blood transfusion. Give blood people, it saves lives!

My sis Lori stayed with me all night. This is where she tried to sleep. We would both have little cat naps. Then wake up and make each other laugh with our loud FARTS.( I learnt my sister Lori can ROAR!!...lol) Here she was sleeping waiting for results. Never left my side and has been so much help. She is a selfless, beautiful soul and I love her to the moon and back.

Love you big sis, and thank you for keeping me safe!!

 

I was sent home at 4pm that day and was so very grateful I have such powerful women fighting for me. MY family!!

 

 That weekend, my Mackenzie was moving back to Fort Saskatchewan. I was sad to see her go, but also proud of her in making this decision. This was the first big decision she has made without any influence from me. I'm just such a happy mommy knowing she had the courage and strength to move and live life. Live life for her. Sad part for me, was I couldn't help her move in because of what happened. WE share a lovely good-bye and once she left the house, I cried life a baby. I miss her so much, but also so excited for her, and can't wait to hear about some of her adult adventures.

 

 

My beautiful Kenz stepping out in the world.

This is to all 3 of you amazing little ladies in my life. Always a breath away..

 

That same weekend I had my beautiful mom, and wonderful friend Shiv come take care of me. My Mom cooked us some nice, yummy food. Having your mom with you, on days like this, just brighten the day. Shiv rubbed my feet and legs while we stayed up way to late giggling and crying. I made the mistake in not taking my sleeping pill, so Shiv fell asleep before me..Ummm, that was a bad idea...She fucking snores...And loud.. I jumped out of bed, and slammed one of my sleep easy pills..Thank god! Haha

 

 

 

 

Mom, and Shiv helped me  out so much. We had a great visit. When I'm around my family and friends I feel alive. I feel Julie! I realised it because they help me forget I HAD cancer. I have learned so may things while riding this QUEST, and that is.....

 

- ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, LOVE.....LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED

 

 

 

 

So I'm going to post a second blog tonight, so I'm up to day with chemo treatments. Stay tune and you can hear about my Number Fuckin 5!!!!!!!!!!!





Peace

babling..blah..blah..

 

 

Happy New Year everyone! This year my life is moving on accepting change and looking forward to what will make me stronger and more complete. I have learned to escape my mind on most days, but that little bitch likes to fuck with your head. Again.. I mean, ok, I HAD cancer so fuck off already?!?!

 It's worse than a man shouting, SHARON..SHARON.. aka Ozzy Osborne..( Ladies..replace your name with Sharon) Get my drift?!

 

I don't know why, but I can only tolerate so much. Like for instance, please don't pity me. I like talking about it, I even cry about it, but when I mention it. I don't want the poor me card. I Need to not be reminded that I'm sick. I remind myself every time I look in the mirror.( and man do I scare myself. I also might tear up or laugh out load) Really depends on the hormones.. Crazy days!!

 

 

 

 I have recently learned how to use my Cancer to my advantage. I read it in Kris Carr's book " Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips." She said to use it like a Credit card. Swipe it and see if you get approved. I've used it on little things, but nothing big yet. But I must be prepared for it to decline. It doesn't always work in your favor, but let's hope it works for Tim...

 

Tim was summoned to Juror Duty! LOL.. I know, I've never heard of anyone having to sit on a Juror before. I think it would be pretty interesting to be chosen for Juror Duty, but Tim has some work to do in Phoenix, so he did the swipe! Waiting to see if it worked. If not, stay safe and don't make eye contact with the accused. Muwahhhaa..

 

 

I'm enjoying this 12 step program. It has helped me learn a little more about myself and it has allowed me to see things differently. Number 2 can get difficult, but it's one of the most important steps in healing yourself and keeping "Julie's Quest" on track! A- Z baby!!

 

Got a few more goodies in the mail from friends,and I would like to share them with you all. It's extremely important I show my appreciation and gratitude. Thank you..

 

My Shivvy brought this when she came and stayed for the weekend. She also sent some yummy baked Christmas treats. Loves ya sweets!

 

 

Oh, and one of my super Warriors sent this beautiful necklace. Debbie, again, thank you for all your support. It's nice to know we are not alone. xo

 

Mrs. Jana. I know if we lived close you'd be helping me whenever I needed you. It saddens me to know that you feel helpless, but I know if I call you'll be here. The memories we share are priceless and ours.. loves you.

 

 

 

Well friends, it's time for bed. Round 4 of Chemo tomorrow.....Ewe!

 

 

  

 

 

 

3 down, 3 more to go....

My 3rd treatment was a hoot?!?! Not really, but can't complain. The Highlight of treatment days is getting to spend time with some of my favourite people. It's a place where time stands still...... It's a place where the stories never stop, and where the memories fill my heart.

Round 3: I brought my beautiful Jilly. Jill is one of my most dearest friends and I was so glad she came with me. As I  sat waiting for Jill, I had to stay strong. I'm an emotional person as is. I have a hard time seeing my loved ones hurting. As I watched Jilly walk in I could already tell she was crying, so I quickly walked away and talked about something off topic where the two of us started laughing out loud.

If you knew Jill, like I do, she doesn't cry like I cry. She has a strength that most of my friends have, and all of them can attest to calling me the "cry baby" of the group.haha Seeing her these last few months overwhelmed with emotions only expresses  how much we just adore each other. We lived our 20s together as single moms. We had no idea of time, money, or whatever else came with becoming an adult. All we knew, was living, loving and being the best we could be as parents?? haha. If  I could go back.. I would. Had no money, but lived so much life! Thankful everyday it was lived with you, my dear Jilly. xoxo

 

Throw back Christmas 2007!

 

My first 3 chemo treatments have been with my three amigos. The ones who I grew up with, who believed in me. Who stood beside me, and who always picked me up when I just wanted to stay down. I always have to make sure I show much gratitude to these amazing individuals, because without them I wouldn't be the person I am today. We will forever be bonded. All the greatness these women have shown me, only gives me the strength to be strong. xoxoxo

 So treatments have been a world wind of events, or shall I say emotions. Some days I'm great, and some days I'm a mess. It people are coughing in the house and I start to get paranoid, I wear this?! I know, I've laughed at myself over this. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that, everyday is a battle, and everyday I'm learning how to cope with understanding I HAD cancer. ;) I say HAD because I get to make the last decisions on how I'm going to feel at the end of the night. It's me who is in control of my recovery not the cancer.( who I like to call BITCH from time to time)

My body is starting to feel the effects of chemo. I get more tired throughout the day. My skin feels tight on certain days and I think my ass is growing? Come on ladies, I'm still a women and thinking of gaining weight is a wee bit scary. But, kicking( Whatever Cancer might be left) is my number 1 goal.

Do I ever feel defeated some days....hell no! I guess I've always had this inner strength to stand tall, as a solider, and fight. The tears I have are for the past, present and future. I have allowed myself to connect with many of my good, bad and ugly..haha. I will never let Cancer become me. I will surrender to it, for now, but it will never be my future. When you're a Cancer patient you don't want people feeling sorry for you. You want them to be the same with you and sadly not everyone can be that strong. I've learnt to be my honest self, and express exactly what I need. So to be a solider standing tall beside me you need to sing, dance, love, believe, and throw out to the universe positive energy. Remember our mind is a powerful tool.

This brings me to my husband, Tim. He has kept me up when some days I just wanted to fall. He's not your Moishe type. He's the solider you want! He stand tall beside me and doesn't allow any bullshit to affect my QUEST! Tim has had to deal with his own emotions, the girls and mine. He has continued to help me become a stronger person even when he's scared or sad. I couldn't be more thankful knowing I got "solider boy." haha. Love you..

Well, it's time I say good-bye to 2013 and a "FUCKING" Hello to 2014! Everyone near and far have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Throw back Christmas 2007! haha..Tim giving me a smile in a photo!!

 

Wish time stood still...Merry Christmas